Self-Care Strategy for Caregivers: Get Ruthless.
Carers laugh out loud when they see, most often in women’s magazines, ideas of how to look after yourself which involves bath salts, scented candles, and listening to soft music. When you are looking after a person with dementia who is shadowing you around the house, it might be difficult even to get time to get to the toilet on your own, far less luxuriating in a bubble bath.
In my experience supporting families of people affected by dementia, it is not unusual for the carer to be the person who dies first. Dropping from exhaustion is common as a result of broken nights, and the physical effort of undertaking a vastly increased range of domestic duties while coping with challenging behaviour, and living with a person who has become a stranger to you, while trying to give the impression that nothing has changed.
If your aim in life is to do the best for the person you care for, then you have to start by doing the best for yourself. It does not help them if you become so ill that you are unable to care for them. You have to become ruthless in your self-care routine, to ensure that you’re able to do what’s required. And you also have to remember that sometimes a day will come when you have to give up that caring role and hand it over to someone else. You must be well enough for a life after caring.
So here are the ruthless self-care ten commandments.
You must sleep. People with dementia turn night into day. There are hints on how to reduce that, but in the final analysis, you need to get away from the person sometimes. Get a pal to stop over and book into the nearest and cheapest Travelodge, have a hot shower and just go to sleep.
You must keep hydrated. None of us do this enough. Has your cuppa always been cooled by someone else’s needs? Maybe carry around a water bottle like the young people do. You’ll even think better if you take care of this.
Eat the best you can. Someone with dementia often loses interest in food. You need to make sure that this doesn’t affect your own diet. Shopping for what’s good for you starts with planning what you want and need, and getting a list that you can either online shop or get someone to fetch for you. Or house sit for you while you go and have a bit of shopping therapy.
Don’t neglect your own health. Make sure you have any personal health niggles checked promptly. Inform the GP that you are a carer and see if they do joint appointments. Keep up your optician, dentist, podiatrist schedule. And all your screening tests. You need to live on in good shape after your caring stops. Also you don’t want to die and leave your loved one alone.
Be ruthless about taking exercise. Carers often say they don’t have time for the gym, or a walk. This is a vital part of your self care, and even though it seems like another chore, make it a priority.
Don’t lose your job or hobby. Part of your personal identity comes from what you do and how you contribute to life outside your home. Get advice from HR about how they can help you as a carer at work, and if you are retired, get the local carer’s group to help you find out how to have a life outside of caring and your home.
Keep up with family and friends. That also seems like a chore. Tell them clearly that you need them to do the heavy lifting of your friendship right now and pull them in even if they seem not to know how to help. Be specific about what would help and what you can easily do together.
Make sure that you are seen as an individual and not just “so and so’s carer.” Your self-esteem might take a battering right now. Remember that what you are doing is worth a fortune if someone was paying for it, and it still would not be as good as what you are doing. But you are more than just a world class carer. You are a unique person with needs of your own.
Remember your inner self. If you have a faith, make sure you can still go to services or meet with your faith leader. Whatever has given you the chance to express your creativity and spontaneity, nurture that and don’t let go. Find space for a prayer, meditation or creativity.
Be ruthless. Don’t stop caring for yourself. And at some point, just stop doing the work alone, and depend on others. Making a superhuman effort to care for someone with dementia is problematic because the problem never becomes less. It is easier to try to work harder as a way through the problem, than to be ruthless and say, that’s enough. But if you take that easy route, your body could just give up on you.
No one is coming to save you. You have to take care of yourself, by asking for help and accepting it. (I’m speaking from personal experience….) Good luck!
