Funerals and dementia
There’s a lot of noise in the system right now, where people are expressing distress at the words of a carer at a funeral in a TV commercial. But it led me to wonder, what should we do if a person with dementia wants to go to a funeral themselves?
Funerals can be challenging for people affected by dementia, both for the person and their loved ones. What do we have to consider?
For a person with dementia in the early stages, life is much as it was before, with some extra care needed because of fatigue and difficulty in getting organised for an event, choosing appropriate clothes, or even appropriate words. Even in later stages the person may have no difficulty understanding the concept of death or the rituals associated with funerals because it is something that they’ve known about all their lives. If those supporting the person communicate in a clear and simple manner, using familiar language and providing reassurance as needed, it may be comforting for the family to have the person with dementia there at the service or ceremony, responding appropriately, even if the person doesn’t remember the event later.
People have different responses to funeral rites depending on their personality and faith, and people with dementia may have varying emotional reactions to funerals in the same way. It might be disconcerting for mourners to have someone in the funeral group who is confused and agitated or even indifferent. Caregivers should be prepared to provide comfort and support, acknowledging, and validating the person's feelings but also having a quiet place to retreat to if it becomes too much for the person with dementia. They would never have wished to create a scene that disturbed others and we can protect them from that.
Depending on the stage and symptoms of dementia, attending a funeral may not be appropriate for the individual. It is not only about considering the person's level of understanding, emotional state, and ability to handle the environment. It may also be about preserving their dignity and the dignity of the occasion. In some cases, it may be best to involve the person indirectly, such as through viewing photographs or participating in a small memorial ceremony at home. If attending the funeral isn't feasible, families can explore alternative ways to honour the deceased and attempt some kind of closure for the person with dementia. This might include creating a memory book, planting a tree together in remembrance, or just being available to talk about the person. You need to prepare yourself for the shock if the person starts to look for or ask after someone who is dead.
Caring for a loved one with dementia is emotionally and physically taxing, especially during times of grief for other losses. As a carer you need to look after yourself and seek support from family, friends, or support groups to cope with your own feelings and responsibilities. You can find a local group through Carers UK’s website. Other professionals can offer advice, resources, and emotional support tailored to the individual's needs but in these times when health and social services are struggling it might be hard to get their attention. Remember that your faith leader, if you have one, and the congregation or faith group to which the person is or was related are there for you. Overall, navigating funerals and grief in the context of dementia requires patience, flexibility, and sensitivity to the unique needs and abilities of the person with dementia. It's essential to prioritize comfort, dignity, and emotional well-being throughout the process. But remember to care for yourself. Caring for one parent with dementia, for example, when you are grieving for the other can be a huge burden. If there is anything that I can do to help support, I will.
