Power of Attorney - 10 tips for the delicate discussion

Anyone who follows me knows that one of the common things I am asked about is how to persuade your mum or dad to grant power-of-attorney to someone in the family or their lawyer.

It is almost funny when I deliver a presentation on this and then ask all the professionals in the room to put up their hand and tell me if they have granted power-of-attorney to someone. The numbers are getting better but to be honest a significant number of really sensible people look abashed and say “Actually I’ve not got round to granting power-of-attorney – yet”.

Their focus on this is that it’s something for elderly people to consider and to be honest that is just storing up problems for the future for themselves and their children.

There are 10 things to think about.

(Spoiler alert. Number 10 is the most important and probably the most effective.)

1. Make sure that people understand how costly and time-consuming the legal processes are if you don’t get power-of-attorney to someone. You might find uncomfortable to think about but who does not wish to give their family peace of mind? If you’ve got the sort of family that you don’t want to give peace of mind too then why not get your solicitor or some other younger friend to be the attorney?  If you want your own wishes to be respected after you’re unable to express them anymore then this is the route that has been created for you.

2. Timing is crucial. It’s never too soon to do it for yourself. If you’re in a position where your parent is older and has not yet done this for themselves then you have to pick the right moment to discuss it sensitively, because this is an important matter and the person involved needs to be relaxed and receptive. Make sure they know it is not just about them being old.

3.  If you’re having this conversation for the first time you need to realise that your older relative or client is probably worried about their autonomy. No one wants to lose the control of their own affairs and you’re asking them to consider a time when something like this is going to happen. Emphasising that this is a way of them controlling what in in their interest is a good way of making sure that they understand why this is so important.

4.  If you don’t have any examples of real-life situations where a power-of-attorney would’ve been helpful, you can check out a really useful book called Power of Attorney the One Stop Guide. Healthcare and financial decisions have to be made when someone is unwell and having to go to court in order to do that is really expensive. It also causes incredible stress for the family and those who are trying to help the person. I cannot tell you how often people call me when it is just too late to fix it. Get in early. Those stories are tragic.

5.  Because what you are talking about it is probably uncomfortable and might even be frightening it’s vital to listen to their concerns and be patient. If they don’t believe that you’re acting in their best interest and not granting a power-of-attorney is risking their assets and well-being, get them to talk about it with someone else who’s already entered into this. An open dialogue really helps.

 6.  Many people don’t realise that a power-of-attorney can be tailored to your own preferences. There may be stories in the news that are uncomfortable to hear but you can explain that the person can designate very specific and individualised powers to you or to someone else that they trust. They can also revoke the power anytime while they’re mentally competent if the person they have trusted starts to look a bit dodgy. And be clear that although it makes the news and the courts when things go wrong due to abuse of the power, thousands of people have terrible stories because they don’t grant a POA, and those stories don’t get made public.  The risks are relative, and the risk of abuse is less than you think.

7.  Make sure there is access to professional advice.  You may have to pay for this, but it can save money and pain in the long run.  If affordability is an issue, check for the carer and dementia organisations that offer services for free or for a donation.

8.  Let them know about the issues such as court-appointed guardianship, where the decisions may not be in line with what they wished for, and issues such as delays in accessing funds or making critical healthcare decisions can arise which are not in their interest.

9.  Reassure the person that this is a precaution, and they don’t lose control.  It is a way of keeping control, even if you are unable to exercise control in a future moment because of illness such as dementia.

10.  Set an example.  If you are young and you have got one set up, why would your older parents and friends be nervous about it?  Walk the talk and get it sorted now for yourself, for all the reasons set out above.