Family Decisions at Christmas
Often caring falls to women even though more men are involved now
Important to have family discussion about Christmas plans well in advance because there may be difficult decisions
Communication is key and that’s not always easy for the one who leads on caring
Yesterday in a blog about care homes and Christmas there was discussion about the dilemma you might have over whether you take your loved one home from a Care Home at Christmas or leave them where they are. This decision is hard enough for one person to make but it becomes even more difficult when there are lots of people in the family and everyone has a different opinion about what should happen. How do you then decide?
Usually up to the daughters to do the caring
Research shows that ordinarily in families one of the daughters, often the oldest, would be leading on the work of caring but that doesn’t mean that she is taking most of the decisions. She may not really have that “permission” from her siblings. There are of course very many men who are carers, but most of the care work has until these days fallen upon women.
It is to be expected that this will change. Not least because for a couple of generations now boys in school have been learning the sort of domestic science that used to be exclusively the domain of girl pupils. As more adult men have learned how to do domestic tasks, more of them will be drawn into caring for their older partners, friends, and spouses in later years. It has been said that one of the reasons why more care home residents are female is that an older woman is often able and expected to care for her husband if he becomes frail, but an older man is not often able or expected to care for his frail wife if she is the first to need support. If you add to that the historical taboo about men providing intimate care to women, contrasting with the expectation that women will be able to provide intimate care to men, it is easy to see why the balance of men and women residents in care homes is as it is.
So how do family carers come to a good decision?
Using the example question of whether someone should come out of their care home for Christmas, here are some tips…
Introduce the question and the idea early. Now in the run up to Christmas day might already be a bit late as many people will already have fixed plans. Talk to each other.
Find out from the care home resident what they would like best. You could check out while visiting, phoning, or facetiming. It may be that the care home staff are also able to give you feedback about whether the resident is looking forward to visiting you on the day or seems not to be concerned.
Let each other know how other external visits have gone. Does the resident like to come out with you usually, or does it upset them, particularly when they must return to the care home? Do they recognise where they are going and the people they are going to be with? Do the staff report back to you that the person seems happy to be back in the home and their room or have outside visits been unsettling and a source of anxiety?
If your house is likely to be heaving with visitors on Christmas Day, consider creating another Christmas Day, before Christmas itself, where the person comes home with you to a quiet house, with just a few carefully selected family members. You can have traditional food, exchange presents and enjoy looking at the decorations and tree, and make the person feel special. You have the chance to focus on them and talk. They also escape the mayhem of “Real Christmas Day” which is often famously exhausting as much as exhilarating. And you need not feel guilty on Christmas day that you have somehow forgotten or left the person out. In fact, you’ve given them a very special day already and you can relax now.
There will be more about family dynamics and decision making in my new book about Carers and Caring for older relatives and friends early next year. You can pre-order a copy. In the meantime, good luck with the negotiations.
If you would like more information, you can buy my book Dementia, the One Stop Guide or Care Homes: When, Why and How to Choose a Care Home. I am available for consultancy for families or organisations. And if you have any further queries or questions, or suggestions for something you’d like to see me write on, please contact me via the Contact Page
See my new course on Dementia the One Stop Guide on Policy Hub here
