Friends and Dementia Carers at Christmas?

• How to be supportive to people who are carers

• Ask how you can be supportive

• Follow for more tips

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Dementia presents a tricky problem to friends who want to help if you are not part of the family. You might not know much about it yourself and the whole idea of it is terrifying. You want to be useful, but you are afraid of being embarrassing or inappropriate and you just don’t know what would make a difference. You may be looking for guidance on that.  A good place to start is reading about what people with dementia and their family carers say. 

Simple and easy-to-implement ideas for being a friend through this dark time are presented here, together with scenarios that are a bit tricky, and also illustrations of how to cope and hints for how to have a conversation and just be with people affected. 

Treat us as normal people. We’re still here, just a little slower and sometimes confused. 

This quote is from the Alzheimer’s Disease International World Alzheimer’s Report 2012, which focused on the times and the places where awkwardness, humiliation and shame are associated with dementia. 

What a friend of a carer can do to be supportive

In today’s blog we look at how carers of people with dementia responded when asked what a friend can do to be supportive.

What would carers say to their friends if they asked?

·      I do want and need help.

·      I spend more time on caring than you think. 

·      I am isolated by my twenty-four-hour responsibility.

·      I am judged by the rest of my family for the quality of my caring.

·      I may not take the initiative in keeping up with our relationship.

·      I may not be able to afford some of the support that is available. 

·      I have health and stress problems because I am a carer.

So what can a friend do?

• ASK what specific help the carer wants…don’t just stand by or do unexpected things “in case they might help”

• GIVE time, by offering timesaving gifts… a lift to the shops, doing the garden, offering a casserole, getting them info about supports and benefits

• ALWAYS keep up contact, even if the person with caring responsibilities is too busy to respond; a postcard, a letter, a text message.

• LISTEN to the carer when they are explaining the family dynamics without reserve - they may need to let off steam

• KEEP up the initiative by continuing to offer support from your side

• FIND inexpensive ways of spending time together

• ENCOURAGE the carer to take care of their own health and let them know if you are worried about their well-being.

 You know your friend better than anyone, so you know where the emphasis should be. Your understanding of them will help carry them through the most difficult times.

Today we have looked at the needs of carers, and tomorrow we will look at how to be a friend to people with dementia themselves.

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If you would like more information, you can buy my book Dementia, the One Stop Guide or Care Homes: When, Why and How to Choose a Care Home. I am available for consultancy for families or organisations. And if you have any further queries or questions, or suggestions for something you’d like to see me write on, please contact me via the Contact Page

See my new course on Dementia the One Stop Guide on Policy Hub here 

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